July 2017

For the month of July, Kindred Mom is covering the following topics: Family Culture & Connection, Simplicity, and Infertility/Secondary Infertility as well as some of our Core Themes. 

If you haven’t listened yet, we’d love for you to check out the new Kindred Mom Podcast and please leave us a review on iTunes! Also, read about our Summer Connection Groups and think about how you might reach out to mamas near you for intentional time together this summer!

“What day is it Mummy?” my almost four-year old asks, while she rubs her still sleepy eyes and then stretches to her full height in her jammies.

“It’s Friday,” I state quietly, one eyebrow raised waiting for the reaction I know is coming.

“Yay!” She shouts and leaps up. The excitement builds as she rehearses with me what Friday means to her and to our family.

“Are we gonna have chicken and french fries?” She locks eyes, earnestly awaiting my answer.

“Yes we are! We always do,” I reply as I reach for her clothes.

In her excitement, she dances around and I can’t dress her until her inner wiggle-worm settles down.

The back and forth continues: 

“Are we gonna watch a movie?!”

“Yep!”

“And have dessert?!”

“Yep!”  

She settles into my lap, wrapping her arms around me, “It’s family fun night,” She says with glee.

“That’s right, it’s family fun night,” I reply with a bit of my own glee.  

What it means to be a family is always changing, because we are a group of people with ever-evolving needs, morphing alongside one another. We are still new at this whole thing. Two little kids in two years—after only a few years of marriage—means the dust is still settling on our newly minted family unit. Though, in some ways it feels like we have all been a part of each other forever, we’re still establishing our identity together.

At some point in the last year or so, we have come to understand that we get to decide who we are and why it matters. Day to day, my husband and I can easily get distracted by everything that is outside of us. These outside influences are trying to shape our family and use up our resources. Some things we love and gladly give ourselves to. Somewhere along the journey, we began to realize that we need to pull back from all of that to realign our family, to unify us.

Enter: Family Fun Night. This was a tradition held sacred in my own family of origin, and it was easy for me to adopt the practice. We get one of our favorite take out dinners from an amazing Lebanese chicken shop and choose a favorite movie. There are sticky fingers and salty french fries, with the garlic dipping-sauce we all love. The kids sit at their little table, my son’s busy legs bumping against my daughter’s as they both settle in. My husband and I sit in the arm chairs behind the kids. They tune into the movie, and my husband and I get to tune into each other. We talk quietly behind the noise of the TV, reconnecting after a week of busy doing. We get back to being. Listening to him sharing his thoughts and his plans, debriefing with him about my daily rush with the kids. Our voices are often rushed and strained at first but, as we unburden ourselves, we slow down and find restoration together.  We are still learning how to do it, and some weeks are more cohesive and restorative than others. Like a rest stop on a long road trip, we stretch our legs, and deal with our needs, and shake off some of that tired feeling that relentless movement leaves us with. We pull off the highway each week to be together because we love being together, and sometimes we have to stop moving in order to remember that.

Sometimes when the plates are empty and the bellies are full, I sit with my first born baby on my lap, her warm little girl body pressing into me, her hands gripping mine. It’s easy to transport myself back to that first year when she made me a mother. Looking back, we have both grown so much. Sometimes my little boy will repeat a line from the movie that he finds funny, making all of us laugh at his adorable attempt to repeat it. He has grown too, and his imitations remind me he still is growing. This weekly ritual gives us time to look back and see all that God has done in growing all of us, and to celebrate that we are still going, still growing and still loving this good gift of family that He has given us.

Looking across the room on a Friday night my heart is full to bursting with the blessing of family and the gift of love.

Shannon Anderson lives with her husband, who is the love of her life, and their two kids, in Sydney Australia. They are currently at Bible College while they are preparing for full time cross-cultural ministry in a remote Aboriginal Community. But, in the meantime Shannon is hitting up as many amazing Sydney coffee shops as possible and is kid wrangling full time and writing in the margins of life with a young family. You can catch her on Instagram occasionally.

For the month of July, Kindred Mom is covering the following topics: Family Culture & Connection, Simplicity, and Infertility/Secondary Infertility as well as some of our Core Themes. 

If you haven’t listened yet, we’d love for you to check out the new Kindred Mom Podcast and please leave us a review on iTunes! Also, read about our Summer Connection Groups and think about how you might reach out to mamas near you for intentional time together this summer!

I climb the stairs with my warm bundle of clothing heaping in the basket. I inhale the soft clean scent and think to myself: this is the only time laundry is so delightful—warm and fresh. At the top of the stairs, my moment of downy-fresh bliss is interrupted by twins fighting over a toy, and my baby squawking for a fresh diaper. The clock strikes “lunch time,” and in an instant, I’m waiting for my fairy godmother to float down, wand waving, to sort it all out…complete with a pretty new dress for me.

Record scratch, reality check.

There is no fairy godmother, there is only me—Regular Mother and I am being called to duty. I toss the beautiful fresh laundry in a heap on the couch. I’ll get to that later. Only I never do. Instead, the three other loads I later bring up from the basement get piled up on top and a 3 foot mountain of clothing forms atop my sofa. There is no rescue, and no reprieve.

Confrontations over toys is not the only thing that causes the laundry to pile up. I cannot find a place to put all of the clothes once they are clean and folded. Storage is a premium when there is no hall closet, no linen cabinet, and no coat closet. My three children share the same small room (twin 4yr olds, and a 1 year old), with a tiny closet and one modest dresser. Teetering stacks of clothing on top of the dresser or small closet shelves stress me out because it looks dumpy, unorganized and overflowing. I yearn for the peacefulness that comes with tidiness.  

I’ve had to be intentional about our space considerations, dusting off my mama-ingenuity skills and figure out how to pare down anything my family does not absolutely need. More importantly, I have learned that chasing peacefulness within my home is imperative to me.  How can I make it easier on myself and find freedom from oversized laundry piles?

It hit me like a ton of Pinterest worthy bricks…capsule wardrobes for my kids.

A capsule wardrobe is a compact-yet-carefully-curated batch of essential clothing pieces, in coordinating colors that mix and match and don’t go out of fashion easily.  

It sounded like a pretty great way to reduce the amount of laundry I had been doing each week, and like it might solve my storage problems, simplifying my laundry-life in one fell swoop. I was excited to find a possible solution, but I had doubts as well.

How is this going to work?
What if I pare down too far and there is nothing for the kids to wear?
What if we get bored with the same clothes everyday?

I decided I might try making my own capsule wardrobe first, and started by getting rid of anything that didn’t fit me or I didn’t like. Some things were easy to part with because they were already stashed in the back of the closet, and were rarely worn. Others were more challenging, like the dress from my days before children that I really liked but was now too tight through the hips.  The sentiment of those days were wrapped up in a garment that I used to love but now felt self-conscious wearing. I decided it had to go. All of the items that didn’t hit the mark for my current needs, shape, and style had to go.

The fewer items there were, the lighter I felt.  Through that process of paring down, I have found peace.  I love knowing that everything I have in my closet is something I enjoy wearing and suits me. My clothes no longer overwhelm the modest closet space I share with my husband which makes me feel light and a little bit carefree, and my closet is now stocked with exactly what I need.  I have been surprised at how few clothing items I actually need.

When I honestly look at our practice of changing clothes, I realize that everyone in the family wears different clothing items multiple times per week. We go days on end without washing jeans, which sounds crunchy but it does make them last longer, and lightens the laundry load.

Building on the success of my personal capsule wardrobe, I focused on taming the laundry fiasco in the kids’ room. I started sketching out a plan for each child, figuring out the minimum reasonable number of items I might need for each one.  The weather was getting warmer, we would be outside more often.  I envisioned activities that would occur in the cool mountains and also in the heat of an urban summer, which meant they would need both long pants and shorts–long sleeves and short. Goodwill bag in hand, I looked through every clothing item and out went everything that was too small, too tattered, or not useful. The cute down vests the boys wore when they were 1, would be too small for my daughter when this winter rolls around–into the bag.

A simple three drawer chest dresser now houses 99% of all of the children’s clothing, even though it used to be quite inadequate for the previous volume of laundry. Everything has a place and the children only have clothes in their drawer that are their size and appropriate for the season.

Creating capsule wardrobes for my children has brought with it the added bonus of setting my children up for autonomy in choosing their own clothes. I know that everything in the boys’ drawer fits them well and since the the clothing colors are mostly neutral each piece can easily match any other piece. They can pick out their own clothes and look put together all by themselves. Mom Win!

These family-wide capsule wardrobes have been a harbinger of peace for me. If you have been buried under a mountain of laundry, a capsule wardrobe could be helpful in simplifying operations for your family. In my experience with this whole clothing endeavor, less is definitely more.

Creating a Capsule Wardrobe for Children

If you are interested in creating a capsule wardrobe for your kids, here are some helpful tips and things to consider as you get started.

Evaluate the needs of the season.

I create two wardrobes for my kids per year: one for spring/summer, the other for fall/winter.  Here are a few questions I ask myself:

Will they need long sleeves, short or a mix of both?
Will they need long pants, shorts or a mix of both?
What activities do you plan to engage in as a family? Camping trips, beach trips, pools/splash pads, parks?

Consider how kids will grow throughout the season. I try to buy clothes at the beginning of the season that are intentionally big because I know they will grow into them as the season progresses.

Buy clothes that mix and match well. Blue jeans and khaki pants (short and long) go with all t-shirts for both boys and girls. I try to stay away from outfit sets because they usually only look good as a set and not mixed. Err on the side of neutrals or clothes/shoes with no recognizable characters slathered all over. Give your kid a timeless look that is fashionable no matter what.

Buy the best quality you can afford. I tend not to care so much about the brand name of my children’s clothing because they are going to Wear.This.Stuff.Out. I am okay with that, but when I consider that these clothes are meant to last them through an entire season or longer, I want to buy the best made clothing I can afford. At the end of the season…I assess the clothes. If they are in good repair and still fit, I hang onto them for the next season, next year or next sibling. If they are too small but still in good shape, I donate. If they look pretty worn or shabby I will toss them in the garbage or make rags out of them.

Consider laundry habits. How often do you wash laundry now in your household? Are you comfortable with this frequency or would you like to do less? Design your capsule wardrobes around how often you would like to be doing laundry. After creating a capsule wardrobe for my kids, I am able to do one load of kid-laundry per week, which may not be possible for all families, but has been a life-saver for me.   

Here is an example of the capsule wardrobes I made for my children for Spring/Summer 2017:

My sons each have:

Bottoms:
1 pair of dark wash jeans
1 pair of light wash jeans
1 pair of jean shorts
1 pair of cotton elastic band shorts
1 pair of swim trunks

Tops:
4 short sleeve t-shirts
2 heavy-weight long sleeved shirts
2 light-weight long sleeved shirts

Other Essentials:
3 sets of pajamas
8 pairs of underwear
8 pairs of socks (approximate…there is a collective sock bin)
1 zip-up hoodie

My 1 year old Daughter has:
Bottoms:
1 pair of jeans
1 pair of khaki pants
2 skirts
2 pairs of shorts
3 pairs of cotton pants

Tops:
1 long-sleeved onesie
9 short-sleeved onesies

Other Essentials:
4 pairs of pajamas
1 dress
4 zip-up hoodies
6 pairs of socks

Every family and every child is different. A capsule wardrobe will look quite different based on the age, gender, and activities of each child. My daughter is 1 and her wardrobe contains several more tops and bottoms than her brothers, that is because she soils her clothes faster than they do. Diaper blow-outs, messy table habits, etc. The bottom line is that a capsule wardrobe should reflect the unique needs of the person it is created for. There is not a prescribed “right way” to curate a capsule wardrobe, it is more a practice of being mindful of real clothing needs and eliminating anything that falls outside of that.

 Jennifer Van Winkle lives in Seattle with her husband and three children (twin boys and a baby girl).  She is a teacher, musician, and currently a stay-at-home mom.  She loves fueling the imaginations of her children with creativity, songs, all things science, good food and lots of play indoors and out.  She blogs at Pepper Sprout Home and you can also find her on Instagram. 

For the month of July, Kindred Mom is covering the following topics: Family Culture & Connection, Simplicity, and Infertility/Secondary Infertility as well as some of our Core Themes. 

If you haven’t listened yet, we’d love for you to check out the new Kindred Mom Podcast and please leave us a review on iTunes! Also, read about our Summer Connection Groups and think about how you might reach out to mamas near you for intentional time together this summer!

The other day, my daughter and I left her little sister at grandma’s house and drove to the dentist together. My nearly-five-year-old exclaimed from the backseat, “Mom! This is the best day! I love the dentist and I love spending quality time with you! We’re never in the car, just the two of us!”

I laughed, partly at the use of exclamation points and partly because my child incorporates words like “quality time” into our daily conversations.

A couple years ago, this same daughter and I were in the midst of the classic “threenager” drama. I remember sitting on our upstairs landing one day after yet another power struggle—in tears—wondering why on earth I had been chosen to be the mother of this strong, opinionated, passionate girl. I felt incompetent; like such a failure.

Suddenly, a book flashed through my mind. When we were first married, a friend lent us The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I knew he had written one about children and that evening I picked up a copy. As I read about how our children respond to love and discipline, I saw how I could improve our family culture.

After reading the descriptors, it was clear that my daughter is a classic “physical touch” kid. When she’s frustrated or upset, she stamps her feet and throws toys. When she feels unsafe or tired, she snuggles in and needs to be held. When she’s content and wants to talk about her day, she does it sitting in my lap. When she snuggles, every single part of her body has to touch my body.

This is not at all how I’m programed. My love language is “quality time,” in which I don’t need the close proximity that my daughter loves. With this insight, I set about to rewrite our interactions. I looked for small, natural ways to incorporate her need for physical touch before she became desperate.

Of course, nothing is magical and we still experience our share of misunderstandings and power struggles, but when I can start our day with a snuggle and a book rather than rushing around, it sets the tone for a better morning. When we can spend a little time before the craziness of dinner together on the couch, the witching hour seems to diminish. When we’re out and about, I give her hand a squeeze or make sure we get some physical contact at the playground. 

These small moments and opportunities help. They remind me that we are all different. Even though physical touch can feel so draining to me, I have learned that a small gesture makes a huge different for my daughter’s wellbeing and sense of safety. 

It’s funny that, at nearly five years into this mothering journey, I’m still remembering that I’m raising individuals. These girls are not “mini-me’s.” Each is their own unique person with their own way of relating to the world. My job isn’t to make them more like me; it’s to learn how to nurture their personalities and outlooks. 

Our second daughter is nearly two-years-old and I’m starting to look for ways she thrives and feels loved. (Chapman advises that a dominant love language usually doesn’t appear until around the age of five.) Even though she’s still developing, she interacts so differently than her sister. When she wants snuggle time, it means laying on the couch next to her; when she reads, she doesn’t mind sitting near. She still loves lap-time, of course—what kid doesn’t?— but the way she asks and responds is completely different from her old sister. 

I’m starting to look more closely at these differences, wondering how I can best meet her needs. It’s easy to want to lump the two girls together—what worked for our oldest must work for our second. As any seasoned parent will tell you, that’s both silly and impractical. Because they are different people, I look for ways to parent their needs differently.

As they grow older, I hope they recognize this unique aspect of our family’s dynamic. What works for one shouldn’t work for the other. The way in which my husband and I parent will be different. We’re starting to use this language and these expectations in hopes that our daughters won’t view it as unfair parenting, but as best-practices parenting.

Right now, they don’t seem to notice the differences, but I do. When I remember this small shift in thinking, our days look so much different and our interactions are much sweeter. We work as a coherent group rather than as frustrated individuals, and that is ultimately my hope for our family—that we always remember to function as a supportive team, celebrating our own unique needs and ways of interacting.

How do you parent your kids differently? What have you learned most from those interactions?

 Annie Rim lives in Colorado where she plays with her two daughters, hikes with her husband, and reflects about life & faith on her blog. A world traveler, she has taught in the classroom, at an art museum, and now in the playroom.  You can connect with her on Twitter and Instagram.